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Safe, content, happy. That’s all that any parent really wishes for their child. And while we’d all like to keep our kids safe in a bubble of happy memories, playing in the garden in the summer, going on cosy walks and enjoying hot chocolates in the winter and having creative play times and stories before bed, sometimes life isn’t that clear-cut. Of course, we aim to shield our children from most of the harsh realities that can occur in life, but sometimes that just isn’t possible – or healthy. Kids understand a lot more of the adult world around that than we sometimes give them credit for. And occasionally a situation comes along which is just too big to divert them from completely – a parent gets seriously ill, there’s a death in the family or parents decide there is no option but to call in the divorce solicitors. Not dealing with these negative situations in the right way can be dangerous. If you try to completely deny the reality, it can have a huge impact on your child’s emotional development. So how do you handle a frightening or negative situation so it has minimal impact on your child, but without denying the enormity of what is going on?
Become Aware Of Your Child’s Emotions
No one would deny that parenting, though a huge joy, is absolutely exhausting. Research has shown that the average child of four or under demands their parent’s attention on average three times a minute. Factor in times when they are ill or upset, and multiple children and it’s little wonder you can feel like you’ve done a full day’s work before you even leave the house in the morning. When we don’t teach children to deal with their emotions in an age-appropriate way, this means bad behaviour tends to increase – which we spend even more time dealing with. It’s important to teach kids to be emotionally resilient and problem solve on their own – not only does it ease the burden slightly on parents, but it also imparts a valuable life skill that they can carry into adulthood.
Teach Them To Talk About Feelings
The first step is becoming aware of what your child is feeling, and giving them the language tools to verbalise an emotion. The ‘Mindful Monsters’ cards launched by mental health initiative Scope can be a great way into this. Be conscious of not dismissing what your child is feeling, even if the upset or anger seems trivial to you. We can’t judge the problems and concerns of a child on the same level as those of an adult. Encourage them to work through how they are feeling about a situation, and to suggest a resolution themselves. You will need to guide them to something appropriate in some cases, but it’s key to let them find a solution themselves.
Use It As A Learning Moment
When a child is upset, it’s generally an opportunity for both of you to learn something. Yes, it can be terribly inconvenient when your toddler throws a strop, usually at the worst of all possible moments, but take a step back from the situation rather than responding in anger. Never tell kids that they shouldn’t be feeling something. Have you ever tried to tell yourself that you ‘shouldn’t’ feel a negative emotion? If so, then you’re likely to be aware of how useless it is. Emotions are not rational, and just because logic dictates one thing, doesn’t mean that we necessarily feel that way inside – so why expect anything different from a child? Dismissing how a child feels makes them doubt their own judgement of a situation, lose confidence and learn to view emotions as a bad thing. If they are misbehaving, address the action, not the emotion. When your son or daughter has calmed down, then you can talk about how they are feeling and why.